Make a Perfect Steak for Your Neighbors

That they'll never get to actually eat.

joymode sous vide steak

Your neighbors, those smug jerks, are always cooking something that smells delicious. Clearly, this is an act of aggression; they want you to think they’re better than you. They might as well be saying, “We know you smell this. And we know you ain’t got nothin’ over there.”

You should probably move because your neighbors are very mean, but before you do, check it out: you can fight back. That’s right, it’s time to knock their asses out with the most perfectly cooked sous vide steak of the century.

Step One: Get the Right Equipment


First things first, we got a sous vide bundle for ya right here.

Step Two: Get the Right Recipe


This sous vide steak recipe from the wizards at Bon Appetit should do just fine. According to Bon Appetit, you’ll need garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, rosemary and thyme. And it goes without saying, but make sure you have a nice cut of meat. Bon Appetit recommends a boneless strip.

Step Three: Whisper Sweet Nothings to the Meat


By far the most important step on this list. Your meat won’t cook properly if it doesn’t feel loved, so say some nice stuff. Perhaps you’d like to recite a poem? John Donne’s 1633 poem, “To His Mistress Going to Bed” should do quite nicely.

Step Four: Cook that Baby


Bon Appetite’s recipe says you’ll need to leave that bad boy in there for about 2 ½ hours. This should give you plenty of time to prepare your sides, but make sure you’re finishing the steak right as you’re ready to serve.

Step Five: Take Action Against Your Neighbors


While the steak cooks, drill a hole through the wall you share with your neighbors using a cartoonishly large industrial drill (we have something close enough for you). Run some tubing from the kitchen all the way to the hole, so the smell drifts right into your neighbors’ home. This will insure they smell all the goodness coming from your place. Sure, they’ll probably be like “Blah, blah, blah, you drilled a hole in my wall, wah, wah, wah” like a bunch of babies, but you know they’ll be loving that mouth-watering sous vide steak smell.

Step Six: Eat the Steak


Make sure you get right next to the hole you drilled, for optimum aroma. Feel free to shout out normal dining phrases like, “Dayum, this steak is perfect!” or “I am the best cook that has ever existed in this part of the multiverse!”

That’ll show ‘em.

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