Get to Know Your Kids Better: A Fortnite Guide

Because...what the hell is this game that took my kid hostage??

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Do your kids spend all their time locked in their room? Does it go straight to voicemail when you call? Have they recently mastered a number of odd dance moves? Chances are this is because they’re addicted to Fortnite, along with the 45 million other active users.

But what the hell is Fortnite? Why is everybody so addicted? We got you covered with a parent-friendly tutorial.

What is Fortnite?

Fortnite is a third person shooter video game available for a ton of different platforms, including PlaySation, XBox, Nintendo Switch and even mobile. When it was first released, it was a pretty straightforward game focused around building stuff, destroying stuff, and naturally, fighting zombies.

The real popularity came when Fortnite expanded and released its “Battle Royale” mode, which is exactly what is sounds like — a deathmatch-style game where 100 people in an arena fight to be the last one standing.

Okay that’s all cool but what is the actual gameplay like?

Fortnite is an MMO, or massive multiplayer online game, meaning that all the other characters you encounter in the game are actual people somewhere in the world.

Sort of like a combination of Minecraft and The Hunger Games, you start a Battle Royale by being thrown into the middle of an island surrounded by a mysterious storm. As the game progresses, the arena slowly shrinks which makes it hard to just stand out by the edge and wait for all the other players to kill each other. You’ll need to gather materials and build things (like titular forts) as well as find weapons to help you defeat the other 99 people in the arena with you.

How much of my money did my kids spend to buy this game?

Believe it or not, the Battle Royale mode of this game is actually 100% free.

I’m glad to know this isn’t costing me anything.

Well, we didn’t say that. The game is free, but there are actually lots of in-game purchases available. These in-game purchases have already earned Fortnite over one billion dollars, so, chances are high that your kids have stolen your credit card to buy things like skins, character models, and emotes.

What the hell is an emote?

It’s a dance move for your character.

Did you say a dance move?

Yes.

Why would somebody pay actual money to see a video game character dance?

We don’t know.

In that case, how much of my money have my kids spent on these dance moves?

All of it, probably.

When are they going to get over this dumb nonsense?

The unfortunate answer is: probably not until somebody makes another game to divert their attention. Fortnite is obscenely popular, and for the time being, it doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere.

This has been a very upsetting read and now I’d like to throw my child’s video game system into the sea. Good call.

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