Your significant other’s mother is staying over at YOUR place for the first time. Regardless of whether you think she likes you or not, you want to impress the hell out of her because you are an overachiever (don’t worry, we get it, we love it, don’t ever change). Here are the top 5 things that will leave that lasting impression on your S.O.’s mom.
What were you going to do? Buy the cheapest air mattress at Walmart an hour before picking her up at the airport? Or worse – let her sleep on your pull-out couch? No, no, no, no, no. Don’t cheap out on this – time to start ordering coffee, because it’s time to sober up: this is the first of thousands of auditions that can make or break your relationship. “Blah blah blah”, your S.O. says, “I don’t care about my parent’s approval, blah blah blah.”
Put your significant other on the backburner because now it’s time to date their parent and they either hate you or worse – feel completely indifferent to you.
1. King Koil Queen Air Mattress
First things first, they will be spending the majority of their time on whatever bed you give them. You whip out that Walmart mattress and not only are you cheap, but you also don’t care. You get the King Koil Air Mattress? First, they will see the logo “King” and think, “cocky, but confident.” Second, they will find it so comfortable that they may not even want to leave, giving you that extra little time in the morning before you become a full-on jester for your royal guest of honor. Lastly, the top is suede so the bedding stays in place, meaning that they see that just isn’t any kind of normal inflatable mattress, but a top-tier, super-mattress. Only the best for the best Mom your S.O. could ever have!
2. French Press
His mom is here and she’s a coffee drinker. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, but she is and there’s nothing better in the morning than a fresh cup of coffee (or so you've heard, tea is kind of underrated but anyway...). Hide your janky five cup drip machine and show her that you know what;s up with a French press. Not only will she be fascinated by your own unique way of doing things (you LA hipster you) but she will appreciate that you put in actual physical labor to make that cup of coffee, however so slight. You can even wax poetic about how you enjoy the effort because it connects you more with the beans. L O L.
3. Cards Against Humanity
Here’s the tip. Play well, badly. Let me explain. Cards Against Humanity is a game for creative types to shock their friends with outlandish premises. Parents are naturally conservative, especially if they’re country mice. Your S.O. is going to go hard because they want to win with the most ridiculous premises. That’s fine. Winning this game doesn’t matter. What is more important is to win the parent. Play the most PG rated you can and agree with the parents when they find your SO’s choices too ridiculous. Watch how they respond to each individual card. Take down the mental notes with the patterns on their preferred comedic styles. Are they an Adam Sandler or a Maria Bamford? You'll be able to anticipate the perfect Netflix special in mind for a little wind down like a MIND READER.
4. Portable Garment Rack
People hate having to live out of a suitcase. You want to make your home a 5-star hotel. What do 5-star hotels have that Motel 8 does not? A closet. Next best thing? A portable garment rack. Your S.O.’s mom cares about her clothes. She wants to look good. Don’t let her feel that she can’t look her best in front of you – be the person who allows her to bring her best looks (even if they are ....) Let her have her own space. She will not only feel more than a guest, but part of the family – which she very well may be, give or take a few years.
5. Confetti Balloons
Look, maybe this is a bit of a stretch. Maaaaaybeeeeee a little overenthusiastic, but his/her mom knows, deep down, that you are not excited to have her over. Why? Because SHE was in your position once. She probably still hates her in-laws and her in-laws probably hate her. But you know what? You are the captain now. Master of your own fate. And sure, she may think it is a little over-the-top, but people don’t remember what they initially thought, they remember how they initially felt. Do you want her to keep you in her head? Or in her heart? Cerebral films win critics, but heartfelt films win audiences. Be a Pixar. Get the balloons.